Why Am I the Way I Am?

Who am I?

And what if there is more of me waiting to be discovered?

Have you ever had the feeling that there is another version of you, somewhere just out of reach?

You know the one. The version of you who wakes up feeling good about the day ahead. Who can enjoy a conversation without replaying it afterwards, make a decision without worrying what everybody else thinks, and spend an afternoon doing absolutely nothing without feeling that you ought to be doing something useful.

Perhaps you catch glimpses of this person when you're on holiday, laughing with friends, absorbed in something you love, or simply having one of those lovely days when everything feels a little easier.

You feel calm, connected and comfortable in yourself. You're interested in life, enjoying the people around you and not particularly concerned with what you should be doing next.

And you think, Why can't I feel like this more often?

You may have worked incredibly hard to create the life you have. You might be successful, capable and the person everybody relies upon. There may be a great deal about yourself that you like and wouldn't want to change.

But perhaps you're also tired of overthinking, striving, worrying about other people or feeling that you can never quite switch off.

You have a sense that life could feel different. That there is more enjoyment, confidence, connection and freedom available to you than you are currently experiencing.

So what is getting in the way?

Who did I need to become?

Think for a moment about the home you grew up in.

What were the rules of your house?

Not necessarily the rules anybody explained to you, but the ones you came to understand through experience.

Was it important to work hard? To be good? To be successful? To keep the peace? To be independent and not need too much from other people?

What happened when you were upset, angry, frightened or disappointed? Could you express how you felt, or did you learn that some feelings were better kept to yourself?

And perhaps the most interesting question of all: Who did I need to become to gain approval, feel accepted and be loved?

Some of who we are is influenced by our genes and temperament, but a great deal is also shaped by our learning history. From a very young age, our brains are learning about ourselves, other people and what we need to do to navigate the world.

Our earliest relationships are particularly important. Through our attachment experiences, we develop expectations about whether other people will be available to us, how our needs will be received and what happens when we reach out for comfort or connection.

Perhaps you learned that being helpful made you feel appreciated. That achieving something brought recognition. That being the capable one meant you didn't have to depend on anybody else. Or that keeping everybody happy was the easiest way to avoid conflict.

These patterns can develop in loving families, too. Children are sensitive to the people and circumstances around them, and we all learn different ways of finding our place in the world.

Some of that learning becomes part of what we value most about ourselves. We become hardworking, thoughtful, independent, conscientious or particularly good at understanding other people.

But we may also carry forward expectations that no longer fit the lives we have now.

The learning that has grown with us

I sometimes think of our learning history as a vine.

It begins growing when we are very young, finding its way through the relationships and circumstances around us. As we grow, it continues to develop, following familiar routes and gradually becoming woven into the structure of our lives.

The child who learned that achievement brought approval may become the adult who feels uncomfortable unless they are working towards something.

The child who learned to anticipate other people's moods may become the adult who is constantly checking whether everybody is happy.

The child who learned to manage everything independently may become the adult who finds it almost impossible to ask for help.

And because these ways of responding have been with us for so long, we may simply think, That's just the way I am.

But what if some of the things we consider to be our personality are actually patterns we learned, practised and became very good at?

And what if those patterns have grown so extensively that other parts of us haven't had much opportunity to develop?

When being busy becomes the way we feel safe

Perhaps studying and working hard were the things that helped you feel in control when you were younger. You knew what was expected of you, you could see the results of your efforts, and doing well brought a sense of achievement, approval or reassurance.

Over time, your brain learned that working hard felt good. It gave you something to focus on, a sense of purpose and perhaps a way of managing uncertainty or difficult feelings. You became very good at it, and the rewards reinforced the habit.

Years later, you may have built a successful career and a life you are proud of. But you might also find that you feel most comfortable when you are busy, achieving or working towards the next thing.

Slowing down feels strangely uncomfortable. Even when you have time to yourself, you find something useful to do. You finish one task and immediately think about the next. You might even turn your hobbies into something you need to improve at.

And who are you when you aren't working, achieving, helping or being productive?

Perhaps you don't quite know. Perhaps you have spent so long being that person that other parts of you haven't had much opportunity to grow.

The question isn't whether working hard is a good thing. It may be something you love, and a quality you would never want to lose.

The question is whether the way you have learned to live is still working for you.

Are you enjoying what you have worked so hard to create? Do you have time for the people and experiences that matter to you? Can you feel good about yourself on a day when you haven't achieved anything in particular?

What are you missing out on because being productive has become the place where you feel most comfortable?

Perhaps there is a part of you that would love to be more spontaneous, playful or adventurous. A part that wants to spend an afternoon doing something simply because it is enjoyable, without feeling that the time needs to be justified.

Perhaps you would like to feel more connected to the people around you, more present in your everyday life, or more able to enjoy the satisfaction of what you have already achieved.

You don't necessarily want to stop being ambitious. You would just like to feel that there is room in your life for something else.

Does any of this sound familiar?

If you recognise yourself in these patterns, you don't have to wait until you're exhausted or something has gone wrong to explore them. Psychological therapy can be an opportunity to understand yourself more deeply and begin making room for the things you would like more of in your life.

If you're curious about what that might look like for you, you're welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial consultation.

Why is it so difficult to change something I understand?

You may already recognise some of your patterns.

You know you don't need everybody's approval. You know that making a mistake doesn't mean you've failed. You know you deserve to rest and that you don't have to be useful every minute of the day.

But knowing these things doesn't always change how you feel.

If your brain has spent years associating productivity with safety and reward, slowing down may still feel uncomfortable, even when you desperately need a break.

If you learned that expressing your needs could lead to criticism or rejection, setting a boundary may still bring up anxiety or guilt, even in relationships where you are loved and respected.

And if you learned that being the capable one was how you gained approval, asking for help may feel surprisingly difficult, even when you know that other people would be happy to support you.

Our earlier experiences shape more than the beliefs we can consciously describe. They can also influence our emotional responses, expectations and the automatic ways we react to situations.

This is why we can understand ourselves very well and still find ourselves falling back into familiar patterns.

We may have developed new ideas about how we would like to live, but our emotional learning hasn't quite caught up.

What if you could broaden who you are, rather than become somebody different?

Imagine being ambitious without feeling relentlessly driven.

Being thoughtful and caring without feeling responsible for everybody else's happiness. Being conscientious without needing everything to be perfect. Being independent while feeling comfortable allowing somebody else to look after you.

Imagine finishing work and enjoying your evening, rather than mentally running through tomorrow's responsibilities. Making a decision and feeling comfortable with it. Spending time with your family without feeling distracted by everything else you need to do.

You could still be the capable, hardworking, successful person you are today. But perhaps you could also become more comfortable with rest, pleasure, spontaneity and simply enjoying yourself.

This is what I find so interesting about personal growth.

We don't necessarily need to take away the qualities that have helped us get to where we are. We can help our brains discover that there are other ways to feel safe, fulfilled and good about ourselves.

That we can enjoy achievement and enjoy an afternoon with nothing planned. That we can be dependable and allow other people to support us. That we can have goals we care about while also finding pleasure in the life we are living now.

What if becoming more fully yourself meant having more ways to be you?

Helping the brain learn what it didn't learn back then

Our brains retain the capacity to learn and adapt throughout life. This capacity, known as neuroplasticity, means that even well-established patterns are not necessarily fixed.

But developing new learning often involves more than deciding to think differently.

Someone who learned that their worth depended on achievement may need opportunities to experience rest and enjoyment without having to earn them.

Someone who learned to keep everybody happy may need to discover that they can express their own needs and remain connected to other people.

Someone whose earlier experiences left them feeling inadequate, unsafe or powerless may need support to process those experiences and develop a different emotional understanding of themselves.

This is where psychological therapy can be particularly valuable.

We can begin to understand the experiences that shaped us, recognise the rules we have continued to live by and consider whether they are still relevant.

We can also work with the feelings that arise when we try something different, rather than assuming that discomfort means we should return to our old way of responding.

Over time, new experiences can help us develop different expectations about ourselves and the world. We may find that things which once felt difficult become more comfortable, and that we have greater freedom to choose how we want to respond.

Perhaps you already know what you would like to feel differently, but aren't sure how to get there.

You don't need to arrive at therapy with all the answers, or even a clear understanding of why you feel the way you do. We can begin with what you notice in your life now, what you would like to change and what you would like to experience more of.

An initial consultation gives us an opportunity to explore this together and consider what approach might be helpful for you.

How can therapy help?

There are different ways of working with established patterns, and the most appropriate approach depends on your experiences and what you would like to change.

In my practice, the aim is not to turn you into a different person. It is to help you feel more able to be the person you already know is there.

Less held back by old fears, expectations and ways of coping. Less likely to look back wishing you had worried less, trusted yourself more, said what you really thought or allowed yourself to enjoy the life you were so busy managing.

I draw on Cognitive and Behavioural therapies alongside approaches that can work more directly with the experiences and emotional learning underlying stuck patterns, including EMDR, IFS-informed therapy and Rapid Transformational Therapy.

This allows us to work at more than one level. We can build practical strategies for the everyday triggers and pressures of life, while also working more deeply with the patterns that keep pulling you back into old ways of feeling and responding.

Because the goal is not simply to understand why you are the way you are. It is to create enough new learning, emotional freedom and choice that life can actually begin to feel different.

More room for rest without guilt. More confidence in your own decisions. More connection with the people you love. More capacity to be present for the good things rather than already worrying about what comes next.

The important thing is finding an approach that fits your needs and gives you an opportunity to develop meaningful change.

Getting back to yourself

Perhaps the version of you that you sometimes catch a glimpse of isn't another person at all.

Perhaps it's you when you aren't worrying about getting everything right, keeping everybody happy or proving that you're doing enough.

You when you're absorbed in something you love. When you're laughing with someone and not thinking about how you are coming across. When you feel comfortable enough to rest, curious enough to try something new and secure enough to enjoy what you have already achieved.

Of course, nobody feels calm, confident or joyful all the time. Life brings challenges, and there will always be times when we feel stressed, uncertain or overwhelmed.

But we can develop greater freedom in how we respond to those experiences, and create more room in our everyday lives for the things that matter to us.

Perhaps getting back to your core self involves recognising who you learned to become, appreciating the ways that learning has helped you, and becoming curious about the parts of yourself that haven't had as much opportunity to grow.

You can keep your ambition, your sensitivity, your independence and all the qualities you value, while developing a different relationship with the old rules that have shaped your life.

You don't have to become less of who you are to feel calmer, more connected or more joyful. You may simply need to make room for more of yourself.

And perhaps that version of you that has always felt just out of reach can begin to feel more like the person you are in your everyday life.

What would you like to feel differently in your life?

You may recognise patterns that have followed you for years, or perhaps you simply have a sense that there is a more relaxed, confident and connected version of yourself that you would like to experience more often.

An initial consultation gives us an opportunity to explore what you would like to change, understand what may be getting in the way and consider the most appropriate way to begin.

Get in touch to arrange a free call-back and an initial consultation.